Eden and the Moon
A short absurdist play by Becky Coe
The scene is set:
A BIG MAD MOON
Side by side
On a bench
A bench that is perched on the moon
The bench defies all gravity and is perfectly perpendicular to the surface of the Moon on which it sits. As are the two people perched upon it. It seems entirely implausible then; that the entity behind them is floating curiously about like a jellyfish out of water. A cow. THE cow in fact. The cow that jumped over the moon and ended up in the confines of spacial nothingness and hasn't questioned it since. He exists simply to provide our characters with a fresh glass of milk at their behest. The two characters have not yet noticed him.
A man with one dimple and a haircut from another time is sat upon on the left side of the bench.
His name is Eden
He holds a glass of white liquid.
He takes a sip, scowls underneath his sunglasses, and proclaims loudly to his companion - A wistful woman with more energy in her hair than a nuclear reactor.
Her name is Meldene.
"This fucking milk is awful. What does a man of calibre have to do to acquire a decent glass of scotch?"
Meldene huffs, and without looking at Eden speaks in a monotone rebuttal.
"What did you expect to find to drink on the moon? Penguins in tailcoats and top hats serving top-shelf cocktails and apertivos?"
"Get to fuck Bitch, honestly. What kind of butt fuck nursery rhymes you been reading? Can't even get any ice in my drink when I'm sitting on a mass of it."
"That's Pluto you absolute wank stain. The moon isn't made out of ice."
"Oh, I suppose it is made out of cheese then. I don't want that in my drink either."
The pair take a quick disdainful glance at each other. Then each turns to look directly ahead with a blank look on their gormless faces as though a sudden deja vu has struck the pair of them and they've forgotten how faces work. In circumstance, it seems the act of two people who have known each other for a very long time and have since developed a keen sense of dislike. They have in fact only just met. Jarred by the absurdity of the situation, it seems facetiousness was the likely option. What would you do should you suddenly find yourself on a bench, on the moon, glass of milk in hand, with the most beautiful and intriguing girl you have ever seen? Make a fool of yourself and insult her. That's what I would do.
Eden removes his sunglasses and looks around. He's in awe of the place but doesn't want his companion to realise and think he isn't cool. He's already sure he has fucked it with his incessant patter and air of melancholy.
He fumbles with a thing he has just picked up from the floor and Meldene folds her arms and legs in a mildly cross sort of way. She leans forward on the bench and speaks.
"I think it's some sort of tea towel. It was just on the floor under the bench."
"What? Not that! There. The big thing coming up over the horizon."
"Oh, I dunno... hang on. Pass me those glasses will you?"
"The blue ones there."
A pair of glasses are floating nonchalantly by her head which she hadn't noticed prior but are now so close she almost headbutts them.
She hands him the spectacles which are so manky and slightly bent that she's quite sure they can only make his eyesight worse.
"Can you see it?" She asks. Squinting at him with a slight sneer as he peers into the dark distance.
"Yes, I think... I think it's a big mad cow. Seems to be wearing a top hat and a quite a hi-tech spacesuit with pointy nipple antennae around the udders."
"The rest seems perfectly reasonable, but why the top hat?"
"Fair enough. Anything else happening? We've been here for ages. What are we waiting for again?"
He turns to look at her abashed.
"I thought you knew?"
"Me? I've never known. To be quite honest I can't even remember how I got here."
Eden cocks his head to the side and puts on a sort of squinty face that could either signal that he's thinking, or having a mild stroke. Meldene waits patiently and checks the time on a watch that has just floated by. Then Eden stands up with sudden immediacy in an 'ah-hah' moment, but in doing so upsets the equilibrium of the bench and Meldene topples over backwards with an otter-like squeak. Eden turns around and notices after taking a sip from a cup of coffee that has bounced into view before spilling the remainder of the contents down his jeans.
"Oh, are you okay? Did I do that?" He exclaims, holding out both hands to her.
Meldene does a sort of backwards roly-poly and re-rights herself, wiping the moon dust from her skirt as she gets back on her feet.
"Half you. Half just this bloody fucking bench. Shoddy workmanship."
"Aye shoddy workmanship. You want to go for a walk?"
They both look around at the expanse of nothingness surrounding them from every angle.
"If you want."
The pair walk hand in hand off-stage as the curtain falls.
A chicken, who looks very confused and slightly dishevelled, floats by silently.